Diary of a fat girl #1

So here it is. My diary of a skinny person inside a fat one.nbvvxc I have been wanting to write about this on my Dutch personal website, but then it just doesn’t seem to come out so well. But I am giving it a go here. 

Who’s fat?

So the first thing I hear when I complain about being fat is that I am not fat. I am just curvy. On the other hand they will discuss a certain actress who is taller then me, and weighs less.. She is fat, became obese, is LARGE! Yet I am not. Is it their perception? I find it very very weird. I think they just don’t want to hurt my feelings. Even though I think a little encouragement can’t really hurt right? Especially since a lot of my friends enjoy being my friend because I am always so honest. Then again.. come to think of it, they don’t really all appreciate me being honest. Truth to be told is that I am very blunt. I talk like a dude. I try to be sensitive to someone their feelings, but I am just not very good at going around in 3000 circles before I tell them what they don’t really want to hear.

“Do I look fat in this?”. Yes you do. Simple as that. The whole “Oh honey, it is such a cute color on you, and you can where whatever you want because you have such a pretty face. Just be confident. But if you don’t feel comfortable you should not wear it. But I think you will always look pretty.”. That is not even an answer. But definitely similar to the answers I get.

I am not fat, I am just curvy

Yes, can’t complain about curves here. They are E V E R Y W H E R E… Just not on the places they should be. You know, like Kim K for example. We all know she has a big ass, but because she has the tiniest waist and kind of slim legs, and huge boobs, it looks amazing. I would trade. Here its more carefully distributed on my belly, thighs, back, arms and my chin. A nice flat ass, no waist, and boobs just not big enough to get your attention away from the belly give a whole different perception of curvy. It’s not the curvy I was aiming for when I was growing my big hips and 80 months pregnant looking belly. Ok admitted I have PCOS, and IBS. But that can’t be all right? The food is coming in, no matter what kind of excuse I have. Ok as soon as I eat something it moves in, it won’t come out anymore, but still.

When I was skinny..

I used to be a tiny little thing. I am actually very thin framed, causing the doctors to call me heavily overweight. But I was tiny. So tiny back then they wanted to inject me with hormones to get fat. Also I needed more female hormones, which is still an issue today. Unfortunately going on the pill is making me gain weight on speed dial. But the funny thing is, when I got to my twenties, I actually started to get some curves. I was still rail thin, but my friends then (models) all thought I needed to loose weight. There started my healthy throwing up and binging period in my life. Not good. And now, man, now I wish, pray for a body like I had then. It will never happen because bodies just don’t bounce that way, but to meet myself half way there can be nice.

So how and what now?

I am finding going on diets extremely difficult. So am just going to ask your help. Send me your stories, support, how did you do it? Or what are your goals? I know I need to man up and stop eating the kids easters eggs, or cook a pot of pasta, and let them eat it instead of me eating all of it and having to cook again. I know all this. But I can’t do it by myself!

So from now on here my weekly ramblings on losing weight.

Big hugs